It's a joke how ill i actually feel.

I think i may actually throw up or something.

Today my 'girlfriend' made me feel like i wasn't even worth shit on her shoe.

I can't help i felt ill and how you must feel ten times worse than me.

I feel rubbish.

:)

Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart,

Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,

Don't you mind what they say.

Let your eyes sparkle and shine,

Never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,

They'd end up loving you, too.

All those same people who scold you,

What they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your head to your toes,

You're so sweet, goodness knows.

You are so precious to me,

Cute as can be, baby of mine.

This

Is kinda how i feel now?

One day someone will find the key.

To be honest this i how i like it right now.

If i don't give it away noone can hurt it again.

But after today i don't care what's happening in my personal life.

Because in my professional one it's going great!

Now it is anyway.

7.30 - 20.45 doesn't even seem so bad right now :D

Today was awful when i saw the consultant should at the f1.

I love the f1 he is lush!

He's the cutest thing ever.

So the medical rotations happen next week and i saw one replacement and she's is the cutest thing ever.

And in her little smart outfit with the stethoscope.

I'd love to be a doctor.

I also may be in theatre tomorrow, which i love and find exciting 'cause i'm weird.

I can't wait for my sister to come up to Newcastle :D

I can't wait to see my gayboy tomorrow also :D

EE.

I GUESS

I just want to wrap myself up in cotton wool.

Suicide.

Oh trust me if i could do it right.

I would.

I love it when people call you, you answer and they ask if you're okay and they get an of course i'm not o fucking kay.

Then they ask why.

Bloody strange.

Last night was shocking, i wish i could kinda video record myself falling apart so when i feel good i can watch it back.

I'm gunna use this blog like a proper diary.

And write down everything because i think that helps.

And then once i'm over everything i'm gunna stop updating it.

I'm gunna go to the doctors on tuesday and hope to god they help me.

I think he may refer me for psychiatric help because i do actually feel insane.

Right now would be the perfect opportunity to do some serious damage to myself.

I'm home alone, but i couldn't bare the thought of failing, and i've tried and tried to do it right and i never have before.

I hope i'll get some help on tuesday to be honest :)

I have to get ready shortly because Selina is taking me to matalan to treat me apparently.

It's going to make me feel better as well.

Until i find something i really like, try it on in my size and it doesn't fit because i'm too fat?

Aha, bless my mam for trying.

My friends just said that i need sex and it'll make me feel better?

I don't know if it would.

Because would they be doing it right?

I think it might be too soon for that, but some good harmless flirty fun?

I think i could honestly deal with that.

Because to be fair, that's what she was doing throughout the relationship right?

At least i can wait till i'm single for it.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

I can't breathe.

I can't stop crying.

Tonight has been the worst so far.

I don't actually want to be here anymore.

I can't do it anymore.

I can't put on a face.

I feel like i'm actually insane.

So that was wrote 20 minutes ago and after trolling the internet i'm calm.

I'm gunna go to the doctors and pray to god he gives me some happy pills.

Yes the strongest dose going, i'm gunna look them up so i know what i'm talking about!

One website makes loads of sense.

So i'm gunna bookmark it and read it whenever i feel as shit as i did up there ^ ^.

I wish i could just click my fingers and be over her.

She doesn't seem to be too arsed over it anymore.

So i'll get to that point.

I'm hoping it'll only take a week or so.

What's hardest right now is that i will never see her again.

And the thought of someone else kissing her and having sex with her turns my stomach.

Seriously upsets me.

Like all i want is to be with her and for her to be big spoon and make me feel safe again :)

I know she's fallen out of love with me.

And i know that i'm just making myself look really fucking stupid.

She should be begging me to take her back. But she doesn't want me anymore, i don't think she ever did.

I'm pathetic and need to get a grip.

Tomorrow should be good, i'm gunna get dressed and make an effort when i go out ha.

I think Mike is driving here to see me, which will be proper nice.

We'll see i'll proper cancel him like i cancelled my other friend tonight.

SIGH.

My life is shit.

I'm going to try and sleep again.

Tattoo

So last night in my drunken state me and my two friends decided we were getting tattoos together.

I'm going to get three buttons like traffic light systems?

Green is going to be straight.

Amber is bisexual.

And red is gay.

And when i want a change in personality all i need to do is press the button.

Excellent ;)

:)

Right now.

I feel so good!

It's crazy.

I cried a lot earlier.

And made a complete fool out of myself again aha.

I guess i just can't help myself.

I can think straight, i know i've been very hurt recently because my ex girlfriend started chatting up other people and promised a lot of things.

But right now i'm not hurting and i can see myself liking someone else.

Maybe?

I dunno.

But my chin is up high for sure.

I think i've been hurt enough, and i just kept going over and over them to hurt me more mebs?

But life is shit.

And i'm just gunna pick myself back up fo sho.

I aim to sleep with someone this weekend.

And i know whom.

I haven't felt this low for such a long time.

I can't stop crying.

I hate it.

I wanna go home so much.

And i can't.

I want to be with my mam.

My sister.

Daniel.

Livvy.

Charlotte.

What i'd do right now for my best friend to hold me while i fall asleep.

To just tell me everything is going to be okay.

Even though it's not going to be okay.

And if i'm honest i could quite easily take the cowards way out.

So fucking easy.

But it's a vicious circle.

I'd rather be dead than feel so fucking shit.

And now i'm literally going to drink as much as i possibly can.

And i want to feel nothing.

And i want my tears to stop.

And i want to disappear.

I have no idea what to do with myself right now.

I can't sleep.

I don't want to eat.

I guess i'll sit here in an empty flat with glass after glass of water.

And smoke.

But you promised me so much.

All i had was empty promises and lies.

And i'm worth more than this.

I'm okay

Considering what's happened.

I'm glad I experienced a relationship.

I honestly thought i'd never have one.

Because I was always too picky and never ready.

But with Steph it was completely different.

I remember talking to her on msn and I thought she was arrogant.

And I was all obsessed with Avril and that point aha.

But then I began to see sense.

And we spoke more and I found out that she's amazing and incredible and then I knew more than anything I wanted to meet her and I did.

I drove 200 miles hungover and met her and she was everything I expected and wanted in a girlfriend.

And we spent six months together, happy, unhappy, fighting, crying, having fun.

I'm glad it happened.

I feel like a good person, I fell in love again.

But I guess it doesn't so much matter about my feelings if they're not given back to me.

At certain points in the relationship i've never felt as hurt as i've been.

But it'll make me stronger.

Chance after chance I gave.

Anyway never mind.

She'll always have a part of me.

I would have gave her as much as I could.

Clearly it weren't good enough.

But there's nothing I can do about that.

I just need to keep my resolve.

I think the hurt is finally sinking in now.

At first i felt sick.

Now it hurts.

But i know it'll get easier.

Once the tears come, the sooner they'll stop and go away and then i'll feel angry.

And then i'll be okay :)

I guess i was foolish enough to think that she was the one.

And even though i knew after the first two times i still wanted to be with her.

And as weird as it sounds, i wanted her forever.

I'm just a silly kid in love.

This was the first photo we had taken.

And it's my favourite.

I have it framed i'll have to take it down for a while, whilst it's still raw.

Then it'll be a good memory :)

This is far too true.

:(

FAR TOO EXCITED

To just sleep.

Today has been a whirlwind.

I look so bad here.

A hungover sleeping Amey.

But you know what i was happy and asleep.

Come on Mr Sandman, give me a hand?

I have just realised i have snot running down my face.

It's awful.

I feel like an utter pile of wank.

And i want my mam.

;

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly
Now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely
Now I can't let go of this dream
Can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
It's been such a long time coming
But I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
'Cause I can't hold on to anything

This good enough
Am I good enough For you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me
'Cause I can't say no

Gosh.

My life seems to have just been one busy busy time!
So I went to L7, which was awesome.
Saw some very good old friends and I got to be with my girlfriend.
Then i've been going to placement, which is really good.
Busy and tiring but i'm learning a lot :D
Long shift tomorrow ugh!
Never mind.
Then i moved in my new flat!
AWESOME! :D
Just proper getting it sorted.
Then we've had to chuck two beds ready to get our new one whey!
Got the internet set up tonight.
Got a tv licence.
Life is good.

I just keep arguing with my girl and i hate it.
It's shit as.
I just hate knowing that her girlfriend is willing to move after 2 seconds and my girlfriend isn't.
Makes me feel shit.
And that i'm a shit girlfriend.
And ugh.
Never mind.

Make pasta, bath, brink beer, smoke, read and sleep :)