Amey = I

I feel so alone right now.
But i'm just gunna get used to it.
And focus on uni.
I spent a lovely afternoon with Becky and Heather.
I then spent a lovely time with Daniel and Charlotte.
Proper talked to Selina earlier also.
But i've realised 7/8 of people are not worth my time.

Never mind hey.
My career comes first :]
Yet I guess I talk about that too much.
Sometimes I just don't know what i'm supposed to talk about,

Maybe i'm supposed to just shut up and put up?
And if that's the case.
Everyone can fuck off.
No chance that'll happen.

Blagggg.

I have nothing to write about.
But I have research and packing to do therefore,
I'll find something to write about.

After talking to Olivia on monday I realised a lot of shit.
That girl is needed to actually keep me on the straight and narrow.
And I decided i'm gunna back off.
'Cause in the tiniest of ways I feel let down.
Maybe it's 'cause I want a lot more.
Maybe than people are willing to give me.
And i'm selfish.
But i'm gunna let people crack on.
I think i'm just ready to go in my own direction now.

My friend, soon to be flat mate Avril.
Well she seems to have it bad.
A crush that's getting real strong.
I really wanna help her, she's my friend.
I'd usually be able to help her but the crush is on me.
I no longer feel anything for her.
And I know she wouldn't try anything.
She knows i'm in a relationship.
But it gets to the point that I don't know what else to say to her texts.
There's only so many "I don't know what to say." and "I'm sorry"
I can say.
Never mind hey.

My last day of placement tomorrow.
Gunna be sad.
I've learnt SO MUCH!
Done so much!
I aspire to have that much knowledge.
Maybe one day I hope.
And that means head down.

;]

A smile

Is free.
It costs nothing.
And it can cheer anyone up.
Walking home from placement today.
There was an oldish guy and his grandson, - I presume, he was about two.
And the kid tried to stop and pick up some mud laughing.
And the adult moved him on and the little kid give me a massive smile.
And then so did the adult.
And that really cheered me up.
It was lovely.

I'm going to try and smile to at least five strangers every day.

Dead.

Yes I know what profession I am going into.
But this far into my training, I still don't feel prepared for it.
One of the guys I went to see every morning and took his blood sugar from.
He died.
This really upset me actually.
He was a nice guy and I know he wouldn't have wanted to die in hospital.
He'll have wanted to die at home with his dog sat in his chair with the radio on.
But I guess i'll have to toughen up.
When my mentor found out, she was upset.
Man she'd been looking after him for eight years.
I'd been looking after him for six weeks!
And she said to me today.
That when she found out,
She thought of me.
Because she knew I liked him and got on well with him.
I just hope his dog is okay and he's resting now.

And then I go to work today and found out a guy who i'd been to see with a nurse to review on Tuesday had died last night.
I was shocked.
I didn't know this guy.
But he was fine Tuesday!
Reading the paper, chatting away to us.
It does make me question whether or not I want to carry on doing this.
But i'll crack on.

I also ripped the letter up.
It was the right thing to do I reckon.

I've just found a poem I read AGES ago!
And I still like it as much as I ever did.

I'm gonna paint a picture,
A picture with a twist;
I'll paint it with a razor blade,
I'll paint it on my wrist,
And if i paint this picture,
A red fountain will appear,
And through this gushing fountain,
My trouble will disapear.

Every.....

You will know this post is about you.

Well you will,
whenever you realise that all I want is you.
I don't reckon you feel the same.
I reckon all you want is your friends.

Y'know all I want is you?
But it's so difficult knowing you only want me part time.
You never call me spare of the minute.
You never call me just because.
But I dunno.
Maybe you just don't wanna talk when you're bored?

Everytime you don't answer
I always persuade myself
You don't wanna talk to me.
And deep down I know it's true.

Vomit at my own face. -.-

Letter.

So I eventually wrote this letter with the help from Selina♥
I knew exactly what I wanted to put.
Yet when pen came to paper it never happened.

But I've tried I just need to get it sent,
even though i'll never get a reply.

There are so many things I wanted to write,
but I thought it best to keep it light,
tell her a bit about my life.
And what's happening.
And hoping she's well.

I really wanted to tell her how much she's hurt me.
And made me so fucking angry at times.
And how she doesn't know me anymore or know what's happening in my life.
I miss her so much and she won't even realise it.
But I won't let her know this because i'm not going to show her she's affected me or made me weak.

But we'll see hey.
Sometimes I just wish I could call her.
And hear her silly banter.
Her dry humour and wit.
Like old times.
But the phone would get put down on me.

On a plus note i'm looking forward to going out for Little Nic's 21st with all of the guys.
Should be fun.

Dreams.

I feel far too tired to even function correctly.
I can't wait for some time off and do NOTHING.
My next day off in Saturday :(
Yawn.

I'm finding it canny difficult to trust people right now.
'Cause I just keep getting let down.
I think I may just not trust anyone apart from my mama.
'Cause I know she'll never let me down.

I'm going to go pollute my lungs,
make a few phone calls,
and write a letter.
And hopefully my nightmares will stop.

Love.

For me this word means so much! And I don't take lightly to saying it
AT ALL.
So to see someone who has been with someone else
A WEEK.
And the fact they haven't actually seen each other since
FEBRUARY.
How is it possible to declare undying love for each other?! I don't think it's possible, it just seriously stresses me out! People who just throw the word around when to some people it means so much. I just wish these type of people would grow up.

I had a lovely easter with my girl.
And i'm glad I had an extra two days with her.
I reckon it happened for a reason - fate.
I felt really wreckless actually, just deciding to miss work.
But it needed to happen to be fair, I couldn't leave on an argument.
And my new years resoloution was to be carefree and do what I want.
Whilst on my two days extra holiday I got to meet someone I never thought i'd meet - my girlfriend's best friend..
And i'm glad I did to be fair.
I came to realise how much she means to my best friend.
And i'm glad.
I'm glad that my girlfriend has someone there for her whenever.
'Cause I know where I wouldn't be without my best friend.

♥