I'm going to type out all of my feelings here.
And whenever i have a new feeling or something else comes into my mind i'm going to type it out here.
I feel like i'm getting sadder and sadder.
I can't remember how to feel happy, and how not to cry anymore.
The times per day i have to fight back the tears spilling over.
I went to a counselling session this morning, it was just an introductory session for me to find out a bit about what they offer and a bit why i was there i found out there is a waiting list that can take weeks or even months to see a counselor.
In weeks or months i may not need to talk to one, but right now i reckon i do.
I've been referred to all of these places and people but nothing is actually happening, i am no further forward and if possible backwards.
I haven't ate a proper meal in over a week. I can hear my tummy growling but i'm just not hungry i have no appetite at all. I know people are worried about me but i can't help it, i just feel like i'm suffocating.
My best friend is not here for me. If anything as soon as i mention i feel low or anything she ignores me till i feel better. She's just not interested. If anything she can't stand me right now. Since i took the overdose she has nothing to say to me.
I think i'm becoming a burden on everyone else, they don't want to listen to my shit constantly. But there's nothing else to me at the minute.
I am completely dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow we would have been together another month. And then it's a couple of days afterwards that she broke up with me and it's been a month.
A month of not having her.
A month where the pain should be easier but it's just harder. It just hurts so god damn much!
I said yesterday at some point how all the memories keep coming back and all the plans we had for this year. It fucking hurts. I wish someone could or would take the pain away.
I'm crying like a baby writing this. I haven't properly cried in a few days. Crying just exhausts me and makes me sleep. I want to just sleep forever. As soon as i wake up i want to go back to sleep cause the pain might be easier the next time i wake up.
Last night she called me. When is saw her calling my initial thought was have i done something wrong? Turned out she just called to see how i was and for a chat.
It was real nice seeing as though i never text her yesterday.
I haven't text today. I don't what to say anymore, i'm scared to text her. Because of how bad i need her.
She can take all the pain away, she can calm me down, she can make me feel so happy.
And still after the way she's treat me, after all the arguments between us, after every god damn thing thats happened i'd do anything to have her back.
I know this is never going to happen, but i can dream can't i? :)
Roughly 6/7 hours before i can sleep again.
Trust it i'm counting down.
