Read through my old blog today, completely forgot I had this to be fair.
All I used to do was complain!

I'm in such a better place now, my old problems seem to trivial  now.

I finished uni last year graduating with a first class, which i'm still so proud of.
I've got a job working in an amazing hospital on a ward I love.
I've just moved into a lovely flat, and it makes me really happy when I look around and realise that all of the furniture I own.
I've got a car which is five months old, another amazing achievement.

And my lovely Tina T and our three kitty cats :)

Life isn't perfect, but it's pretty damn good.

Looking at my own blog posts it seemed that I never had a good day or anything positive to say!

I'm currently reading the hunger games book. I started reading it last night and I literally can't put it down. It's so good. The movies are canny, but the book is so much better. I love lazy days off work where I can just relax and read.
I'm getting a new wardrobe delivered tomorrow and I cant WAIT! I'm sick of all my lovely dresses being on the floor aha. And i'm hoping my nana will come up tomorrow depending on how she feels :) Fingers crossed!

Wednesday me and Tina T have a day off together so I might we might go for a walk. Or to the farm actually!

Next thing on my two do list is to buy a house :) Need to stop going on holidays and start saving for a mortgage!

I'm a mess.

I'm dropping out of uni.

I can't finish my second year i know fuck all.

No-one understands anything.

Everyone tells me time will heal me.

Fuck off, i can't help feeling like this now.

I feel like everyone is walking on egg shells with me.

I honestly can't take this shit anymore.

It's far too hard.

And right now i have never been more ashamed of being a lesbian.

I'm going to type out all of my feelings here.

And whenever i have a new feeling or something else comes into my mind i'm going to type it out here.

I feel like i'm getting sadder and sadder.

I can't remember how to feel happy, and how not to cry anymore.

The times per day i have to fight back the tears spilling over.

I went to a counselling session this morning, it was just an introductory session for me to find out a bit about what they offer and a bit why i was there i found out there is a waiting list that can take weeks or even months to see a counselor.

In weeks or months i may not need to talk to one, but right now i reckon i do.

I've been referred to all of these places and people but nothing is actually happening, i am no further forward and if possible backwards.

I haven't ate a proper meal in over a week. I can hear my tummy growling but i'm just not hungry i have no appetite at all. I know people are worried about me but i can't help it, i just feel like i'm suffocating.

My best friend is not here for me. If anything as soon as i mention i feel low or anything she ignores me till i feel better. She's just not interested. If anything she can't stand me right now. Since i took the overdose she has nothing to say to me.

I think i'm becoming a burden on everyone else, they don't want to listen to my shit constantly. But there's nothing else to me at the minute.

I am completely dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow we would have been together another month. And then it's a couple of days afterwards that she broke up with me and it's been a month.

A month of not having her.

A month where the pain should be easier but it's just harder. It just hurts so god damn much!

I said yesterday at some point how all the memories keep coming back and all the plans we had for this year. It fucking hurts. I wish someone could or would take the pain away.

I'm crying like a baby writing this. I haven't properly cried in a few days. Crying just exhausts me and makes me sleep. I want to just sleep forever. As soon as i wake up i want to go back to sleep cause the pain might be easier the next time i wake up.

Last night she called me. When is saw her calling my initial thought was have i done something wrong? Turned out she just called to see how i was and for a chat.

It was real nice seeing as though i never text her yesterday.

I haven't text today. I don't what to say anymore, i'm scared to text her. Because of how bad i need her.

She can take all the pain away, she can calm me down, she can make me feel so happy.

And still after the way she's treat me, after all the arguments between us, after every god damn thing thats happened i'd do anything to have her back.

I know this is never going to happen, but i can dream can't i? :)

Roughly 6/7 hours before i can sleep again.

Trust it i'm counting down.

It gets to my girlfriend obviously finds the need to post shit on tumblr so she can get a load of random people seeing she's okay and making me sound like an arsehole. I tell no-one what i'm going through.

She never seems to understand or care where i'm coming from.

I feel so shit right now.

Like i can do nothing at all right.

All i do is keep crying.

I cried on the phone to her on tuesday and she left me.

Ill just cry to myself instead now.

Tumblr really is the bane of my life right now.

And there's nothing i can actually do about it.

It's like a fucking fantasy world.

I got a new job :)

I've just found a proper lush one bedroom flat available for the summer to let.

Shame i don't need to look anymore.

And i'll probably have to move back home with my tail between my legs.

Ah well life can be a bitch.

Now i'm going to walk to the shop for milk and have a cup of tea and a lambert.

:]

I feel poo.

:(